Tuesday, January 30, 2007


I just love how God reinterates things in my life to get the point across. I often chuckle at His creativity... and sometimes it just frightens me! Ha. It began when God started uprooting things in my life. I left my "great" life in nashville for a life in a foreign place with strangers, accountability, schedules.... school work? Ugh, I thought i was over that already. It would only be natural, I suppose, for me to feel a bit out of sorts. While all of these uncertain feelings are happening and doubt set in... God was making me weed for spiritual significance. First, several people mentioned gardening... in their sermons, conversations... etc. Secondly, My work duty that week was to... guess what? WEED, hahaha. Through that He showed me how easy it is for weeds to sneak up and take over a beautiful garden. And how the weeds in the rock were much easier to pull up than the others. Quickly, I compared this to my life and what I build it upon. Obviously, God would rather us use rock (that's Him). Then, after this revelation (which is actually much deeper than what I've just represented) I had a devo about it. Then, I read my new friend Bill's book on flowers (I especially loved the part where Bill pleaded with his readers to find beauty in this species of flower and give it a chance in their garden. How often does Christ plead on behalf of us who only have true beauty because of Him). Through all of this I finally realized that God was turning the soil in my soul... and take my word for it, it was NOT easy. This was the beginning of the painful yet equally needed process of weeding in preparation for my beautiful gradually progressing garden. With much gratitude, and a new appriciating for weeding... I accept this pruning process at the same time asking for your prayers. God is in the business of turning wreckage into roses. He will forever be the faithful gardner of my soul.


If you happened to notice that I've been absent for a few days... well, about a week... then Good on ya!(a native expression thats quickly becoming familiar) It's good to be missed. Believe you me, that feeling is strongly mutual. I'd like to appologize for being out of sight out of mind, I'll attempt to explain... For those of you who know me, you might now that in the past few years I've unfortunately had to deal with small but very intense bouts of depression. For those of you who don't know me that well... take heart, you will soon! This journey, which is undeniably going to be FULL of ups and downs, outs and ins... is bound to cause some physical weariness and emotional discomfort. It has been a stretch for me spiritually as well. When I don't listen to my body... my body and mind screams curse words at me. It's not pretty people. HA. I'm not gonna lie, the first two weeks were pretty tough in every way, shape and form. And close to the end of last week I had, what most sane people call, a "mental breakdown"... well, ok, it's not as bad as it sounds... but i got pretty emotional. I was tired of feeling like all of my actions were forced, i felt so fake. Oh, how I hate this feeling! I felt as though I'd lost my joy... lonliness, anger, desperation, doubt... these were all overwhelming me. Fear was paralizing me- 100% After the "meltdown" , I had several people pray for me. This was good, but something still was not right. I decided to fast and pray all day to get some peace... answers... rest, joy.. something! I went to the prayer room at the local church and ended up staying for 4 hours! During that time, I heavily leaned into God and His promises. ( This is a command from Him as believers) Still... nothing. Thank God I have wise parents and good friends who pray for me and keep me in check constantly. From them I kept hearing... be patient, be patient... it will come. I knew He would never leave me, but i just wanted to FEEL his love and joy again all over me. Could He deny me of that? The next day I was still feeling a little down and out. As the day went on I started to see little glimpses of light. I held on to that. As the day went on the light grew stronger and brighter. Thank God! He knew the amount of darkness I could take before I broke and through that I believe He was strengthening my roots in Him. Like our speaker so elloquently put it yesterday, " Sometimes God will hide himself from us momentarilly to get us from where we are to where He wants us to be." That's powerful stuff. The whole time I knew He was there, but I was forced to seek Him because I was desparate too see His face and feel His love again. And when He showed up, well... my heart is full. My devotion today confirmed this very thing. It spoke of grass and leaves which have to be completely still so that their pores can open. Once this occurs, the dew comes and nourishes the plant. Just like that, we have to be completely still and quiet in order for us to be open to recieve the saturation of His presense! Be still, Be quiet, Be expectant.... and wait. He is here and He will make you complete.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

wounded sheep

I must tell you quickly of an incredible story of my shepard. A few days ago we had our first worship session. For those of you who know me, this is something i love. Expressing love to my father through song. (As i am writing this, there is a group singing praises in the living room of the house i'm in... this is so great) As the group was worshiping, I felt a massive oppression. Almost physically, the unwelcomed force was pushing my spirit down into a dark place. I could not move. I sat on the floor in a ball barely able to ask my father for help. Thoughts of anger, hate, and sorrow penetrated my mind. All from the enemy and all destructive. This had to stop... the war in my mind was raging. When i left i shared with a few of my discomfort that evening. I agreed with some, that I would feel that joy again.. but patience was required. Yesterday we had some free time and some of us decided to go to lookout point. The uphill trek was a hard battle, but the view was worth it! Once we got to that point, we hesitantly decided to go farther. But to keep going we had to cross some barbed wire into a field of sheep and poop..mmmm... pleasant. The group started going into a ravine with pokey things and bees, so i conviently stayed behind. On the walk back God caught my attention. With no warning the bright sun broke through the clouds, the grass, trees, and sheep were in perfect position to reveal Gods glory to me through nature. This was a moment I'll cherish forever. Tears began streaming down my face as I realized the Fathers love for me- His underserving child. The flock of sheep ran up the hill towards the sun, but something about this picture was unsettling. Behind the group... in the distance, was a limping lamb trying its best to catch up to the rest. As I witnessed its struggle I identified with its pain and realized i was just like this wounded lamb. God captured my heart at this moment as He assured me He loved me just as much as the other four legged creatures. I walked away feeling the joy of a child accepted in its Fathers loving arms. I have done my own thing for way too long... and as much as He's pleaded my return, I waited until I could wait no longer... and now I was wounded by the world. And after all that He welcomed me back like the prodigal son. Oh, the joy!! I can't express my gratitude. Standing there rejoicing I heard His soft sweet whisper through the wind in the trees... and I'll never be the same.

AW80 part one.

Well well well.... here i am. I am no longer on familiar soil. I have taken a giant faith leap and landed somewhere in the pacific on a beautiful island off of australia called NEW ZEALAND. The most challenging part thus far was the grueling 11 hour flight from LA. And.... the countless hours spent lollygagging in the airports during layovers. Fortunately... to counter the jetlag and the endless bordem i met some fellow ywamers on the journey. Together, my new compadres and i made great memories... drank small cups of overpriced coffee, waiting for a curly headed short girl named racheal that ended up being a tall boy named rapheal, witnessed signs bewaring us of giant snails, slept on many floors, became friends of many strangers- including miss florida 2002, harry from fiji... many more, ok, let's see... then we landed on middle earth. Took me a few days to sort through all of the feelings... but today, well, today is good. At first I felt a bit awkward... frustrating. I just wanted to sleep and keep to myself, which is next to impossible in this environment. After the restless dust finally settled, i found a bunch of very friendly people in the same boat i was in. We've become a family in this short time, and that is comforting. Although they will never take the place of those i left behind, these men and women- who come from all ends of the earth- hold a special place in my heart.