Tuesday, January 30, 2007


If you happened to notice that I've been absent for a few days... well, about a week... then Good on ya!(a native expression thats quickly becoming familiar) It's good to be missed. Believe you me, that feeling is strongly mutual. I'd like to appologize for being out of sight out of mind, I'll attempt to explain... For those of you who know me, you might now that in the past few years I've unfortunately had to deal with small but very intense bouts of depression. For those of you who don't know me that well... take heart, you will soon! This journey, which is undeniably going to be FULL of ups and downs, outs and ins... is bound to cause some physical weariness and emotional discomfort. It has been a stretch for me spiritually as well. When I don't listen to my body... my body and mind screams curse words at me. It's not pretty people. HA. I'm not gonna lie, the first two weeks were pretty tough in every way, shape and form. And close to the end of last week I had, what most sane people call, a "mental breakdown"... well, ok, it's not as bad as it sounds... but i got pretty emotional. I was tired of feeling like all of my actions were forced, i felt so fake. Oh, how I hate this feeling! I felt as though I'd lost my joy... lonliness, anger, desperation, doubt... these were all overwhelming me. Fear was paralizing me- 100% After the "meltdown" , I had several people pray for me. This was good, but something still was not right. I decided to fast and pray all day to get some peace... answers... rest, joy.. something! I went to the prayer room at the local church and ended up staying for 4 hours! During that time, I heavily leaned into God and His promises. ( This is a command from Him as believers) Still... nothing. Thank God I have wise parents and good friends who pray for me and keep me in check constantly. From them I kept hearing... be patient, be patient... it will come. I knew He would never leave me, but i just wanted to FEEL his love and joy again all over me. Could He deny me of that? The next day I was still feeling a little down and out. As the day went on I started to see little glimpses of light. I held on to that. As the day went on the light grew stronger and brighter. Thank God! He knew the amount of darkness I could take before I broke and through that I believe He was strengthening my roots in Him. Like our speaker so elloquently put it yesterday, " Sometimes God will hide himself from us momentarilly to get us from where we are to where He wants us to be." That's powerful stuff. The whole time I knew He was there, but I was forced to seek Him because I was desparate too see His face and feel His love again. And when He showed up, well... my heart is full. My devotion today confirmed this very thing. It spoke of grass and leaves which have to be completely still so that their pores can open. Once this occurs, the dew comes and nourishes the plant. Just like that, we have to be completely still and quiet in order for us to be open to recieve the saturation of His presense! Be still, Be quiet, Be expectant.... and wait. He is here and He will make you complete.


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