Tuesday, April 14, 2009

gripping love

One particular morning last week was spent fighting anger and frustration… hoping that joy would prevail. After a few things caught me off guard and I was a bit edgy, I had a meeting with a flood of details and responsibilities. Jeremy, being the great leader that he is, knew I needed to process and simply let things out. Almost simultaneously to his suggestion to walk, were the tears that began to roll down my face. When we got to the end of the church lot, I almost fell on the grass from emotional exhaustion. This is when things began to surface. I first realized that I have not really gotten away lately… in nature… with God. Things have been building up the last few months I guess and I haven’t had much of a release. So as I began to let out some of these possible reasons for being overwhelmed, it came to my mind that it might not be these at all. You see, it was just all of the details and such that were causing me to be frightened in some way… but it was by those very things that God was drawing me near to him. He allowed that moment to be a breaking point and allowed these things be a tool so that I would fully be able to recognize the end of myself and see His amazing unreal pursuit of me.
As we walked and a truly compelling story of God’s love was shared, I started to see little signs of “wooing” from the Lord. Throughout his story I would see a flower here a something there and God would say, “I grew that for you today.” Then I thought about the spectacular double rainbow that He had given me that very morning. Then I recalled the speaker talking about his wife’s name (Rebecca) meaning captivating and faithful… that’s my middle name. And then I realized that I was captivating to this unbelievably great God. And that even though he would whisper to me to get up and spend time with him and I would respond by just standing there… He continued to run after me in heavy pursuit with all of these beautiful things. My heart began to break as my eyes became truly open to his glory and my heart became full.
On our walk back I had to fall down in the grass again. I could hardly handle this love that I was experiencing. All I wanted to do was lay in a field somewhere and bask in His love and glory. To feel the warmth of the sun and just soak all of this in. Then it really hit me! I was troubled with all of the “details” and “responsibilities” because my heart was not here. He was holding it. Somewhere in all of this processing and realization of His unfathomable love for me, I had completely fallen head over heals for my lover in heaven. I felt as though I finally understood what it was like to be here on earth, but not be here. I began to feel this tension in my heart between just being with my lover and being here on earth living out the purpose he’s called me to live. As Jeremy was praying for me He saw Adam walking in the garden and said that all he had to do was walk around in the garden with the Lord and hang out in communion with God. THAT’S CRAZY AWESOME. I mean, I knew this… but to see how God is wanting me to know this garden experience on earth is so cool. This is my desire… to be in this constant garden with him in the kingdom of heaven in the world. My ultimate heart’s desire of course is just to be with Him in the garden. But knowing I need to be here now… this will do, and it will be spectacular. After the conversation and prayer and revelation I just wanted to run away and be with Him. My heart is so excited for that day when nothing else will be in the way of his pure sweet love for me, but until then… I’ll take as many of these garden moments as I can… and cherish it for eternity.
It’s so unbelievable to me that (like this picture), God reaches out through His kingdom and grabs hold of our heart… desiring that we know this amazing love on earth. I suppose the next step to knowing this love would be to spread it. This great responsibility could be burdensome if this true love isn’t received in the way it was created for. But when the magnitude of this love is realized and accepted, the reply is not only easy but full of joy! The response to this love is a natural outpouring that cannot be contained. It will overflow into all areas of your life… including the uncomfortable ones. The uncomfortable areas are the places we would normally fear to tread. These are the despised, hated, hurtful, crazy, angry, dangerous, risky ones to love. The ones that may never love us- or God- in return. But guess what? We are still called to love them… WITH NO AGENDA. And we don’t ever stop loving them! Jesus didn’t did he? And he never went with a personal agenda other than pointing to the Father. He took His love for us all the way to the cross, then hell and back again. I can’t imagine a deeper more unconditional love than that. You see it’s not always about heaven or hell, but more about this lifelong separation without God thing.
So this evening.. before you rest your head.. think about God’s pursuit of you. And then give Him permission to grab your heart. I have a feeling you’ll never be the same.


Blogger AlisonLam.com said...

you should start blogging again!

4:44 PM  

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