the light.

"We all have an inner light waiting to guide us home.  But sometimes the Universe turns off all the lights, so we have no choice but to find our own.  For as long as I can remember, I had this inner knowing that i was here for a reason.  I knew I had this inner purpose, a calling, but the whole thing stressed me out.....I tried traveling to the ends of the planet, in search for something that i couldn't quite put my finger on...I was pushing, striving, and controlling, instead of listening, trusting, and allowing.  It took my whole life to come tumbling down for me to realize that everything I was searching for was inside me all along.  MY SOUL WAS ALWAYS CALLING. I WAS JUST FACING THE WRONG WAY." - Light is the New Black, Rebecca Campbell

Raise your hand if you've ever felt this...even for a millisecond.  Often times anxiety could be a clue that something inside is a little unsettled.  Like we're being left out of a very important conversation our soul is having with ourselves.  Many times I've just felt lost or confused thinking to myself, "what is going on, who am i... someone please heeeeeeelp meeeeee." 

Somewhere in the Spring of 2012 I had what I would like to call an "Awakening".  Growing up in a very religious town... I knew the bible front to back.  I did all the "right" things so as not to "ruffle God's feathers" or give Him any excuse to torture me for eternity with fire and brimstone (whatever that is anyway).  I guess I felt like it was better to be safe than sorry... and that if my religion was the right one out of all the others, i need to really make sure I'm gonna get in to those pearly gates when I kick the bucket.  

What I didn't realize until a few short years ago... was that all of this was just a performance for love and acceptance. Deep down somewhere inside I thought God would only love me IF I did a, b, c- z.  I kept this up for quite awhile... well into my 30's.  I was spent, anxious, full of fear, worry, doubt, guilt, shame.... you name it.  On top of that I was actually a really good person, and I still felt all of those things.  Talk about low vibrational thoughts about myself :( I was literally at the very end of my rope.

In 2010 the lights went out.  All of them.  Not even a little nighty light was left on for me.  I crashed hard... like REAL hard.  As I was traveling the globe for the 3rd time my angel came in the disguise of a tiny Thai mosquito carrying the deadly disease Dengue Fever.  By the time I got to Cambodia not even 24 hours after I'd been bit by the little asshole I pretty much thought I was going to die... until later when I did some research and REALLY thought "ok now I'm gonna die."  Until a month later when my physical, mental, spiritual and emotional SELF shut down and I was a skeleton and severely depressed.... that's when i really really really thought my life was over.  I remember the only word that could explain that time for me was DARK.  

Who the hell flipped the switch on me?  Why?  What tha.....?  I was days... maybe minutes away from my family checking me in to some sort of mental hospital when I made a decision.  It was either die... or find a new way to live.

So, well... I'm here so you can easily guess which route i took ;)  Almost simultaneously to making that decision is when a tiny light began to surface inside of me.  Almost like a little firefly.  It was the most honest true pure light I'd ever noticed.  It was vulnerable, humble, beautiful, courageous and strong.  Doors began to open... I began to make decisions now for my WHOLE self.  Mind, Body, Soul, Spirit.  Once i realized they were all connected to one another.... and that the whole journey begins INSIDE, life made a heck of a lot more sense (in a non-sensicle sort of way). Ahhhh... the Awakening begins.

With each yoga class, meditation moment, eye-opening book, and encouraging conversation I began to see my TRUE self emerge.  The light felt so different this time....effortless if you will.  There was no need to perform anymore because i now knew... in my heart of hearts.... that the love and acceptance I had always strived for was there all along!  Right there inside of me! What a relief and burden lifted! Wow.  I could almost hear God saying, "Well it's about time... I've been waiting to just kick it." Haha.  But for real... what an awesome thing to experience... complete and utterly UNCONDITIONAL acceptance and love... no strings attached!

This changed me forever.  The love deepens, the light grows...

I believe this love was deposited in us in the creation of our souls, before we even had a body.  It's hard to fathom but i truly believe this love is pulsing through the universe constantly... always there- in and through us.  It's a matter of waking up to this revelation that begins to trickle to the broken, abused, rejected places to heal.  Whatever the journey looks like for you... you too have this LIGHT.  No matter what you've done it's there, it's waiting for you.  Acknowledging it's existence in you opens the door to a completely new amazing adventure awaiting... LIFE, LIGHT, LOVE... go get it, it's yours!