BeforeYouBlink.

passion.

2011-05-19T23:31:00.000-07:00

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."- Howard Thurman

Passion: an intense desire or enthusiasm for something. Do you have something in your life that you love, desire, and get excited about?? I'm betting there is at least one thing you can think of. If not, there's no time like the present to find out! A good way to start is by looking at what you spend most of your time talking about... and what do you do in your spare time? If you find yourself mostly consumed with work, school, eating and television then I challenge you to look beyond those things for a moment. What is something you used to get excited about before you got too busy??

A good friend of mine, who travels the world and speaks on destiny and purpose, usually starts off his conversations with the question, “ If you had a million dollars what would you do?” As soon as he says it, the crowd begins dreaming. You can almost see their eyes light up with excitement envisioning all the possibilities. Once the answers begin to surface, everyone starts to recognize their true passions. Unfortunately, most of us wait until we have time, money or resources to do the things we truly love and sadly that time for many of us never comes. This is why we take the moment before us to seek the very things that make us come alive and begin to pursue them no matter what.

If you are even reading this I'd say you are at least passionate about travel, culture, people, and serving. That's a great start! What else? Do you love photography, teaching, dance, kids, sports, art, singing, exercise?? Don't stop there! There are millions of things we could be passionate about. It's amazing to then find ways in which we can help the world with them!!! But first, go ahead and make a list. Write down all of the things you would love to do, or try, if money were no object and time didn't exist. Now, put a star next to the ones you are actually gifted in or have had some training in. Here's the fun part: start brainstorming!!! Last but not least... find ways to put it into action. I'm almost positive you'll discover a cool way to use that passion to serve other people all over the world!

I remember making a list like this about 10 years ago. I started writing down all of the things that I loved to do, or that really intrigued me. At the time I was just getting into photography and writing, but already knew I loved to travel, help people, and hang out with kids. I thought to myself how wonderful it would be to one day be able to do all of those things, unsure if my dream would ever be a reality. Now, I look at my life and almost loose my breath in amazement. I now serve with an organization where I get to travel the whole world, help all kinds of people, hang out with plenty of children, and document these unbelievable cultures and people with my photojournalism skills. Now, I truly am living my dream... but it all started with a passion to live life to the fullest, to love unconditionally, and to serve selflessly with the gifts God has given me.

Discovering Your Global Cause

2011-05-11T22:53:00.000-07:00

Although I've had the privilege of circling the globe 3 times and making several short-term trips across the sea... it still took me many years to find my purpose in it all. Perhaps my story might help you on your journey as you begin to peal back the layers of this world to see its deepest needs revealed and search for your own personal way to be a part of the solution. A humbling start would be to recognize that a) you do not have all the answers b) you cannot save the world and c) to take it one day at a time/ one person at a time. Let me explain: I initially took it into my own hands to make the world a better place because I assumed no one else was willing. What I thought was heroic was actually quite arrogant. Don't get me wrong, it's ok to be compassionate and willing.... but I tragically began to think that I was the answer to their problems therefore deserving much credit and praise for rescuing the world from issues that have been around since the beginning of time. So, instead of "saving mankind" I was only hurting it by feeding my ego and taking up more space with my head. Not until recently did I realize these hidden motives.

Towards the end of last year I vividly remember speaking with one of my mentors as I expressed such sadness for all of the pain in the world and how I just wanted to fix it all. Through the tears and snotty mess they gently pointed out that perhaps I was carrying the burden of the world on my shoulders. After wrestling with this thought for many days, I began to see the truth in it all. And at first, it was not pretty. I had assumed from the very beginning of my "missions" that it was MY responsibility or "global cause" to save the world from it's problems. With that, and the many I saw with problems I couldn’t fix... I began to carry a huge burden of sadness, guilt, disappointment, and anger. Now that was a definite wake-up call!

Finally, I truly understood what it meant to have a “Global Cause”! It was never really about me, and once I began to see that… I was able to rest in my talents, capabilities and the timing of it all. I finally saw that it really was about one person at a time, no matter where I was in the world! My purpose in it all was to be a transporter. I was a vessel of love, hope, kindness, joy, peace, faith, etc. I was meant to be there in the moment with people... to give them a true hope for a better tomorrow, laugh with them, cry with them, share what I had to give, and to give them something to believe it. So now, instead of feeling the pressure and weight of the world on my shoulders I focus on the one standing right in front of me and ask myself... "How can I love/serve this person best right here, right now?"

One of the most vivid memories was when my YWAM (Youth With A Mission) team traveled to northern India in 2009. We found ourselves in a little village in the boonies looking very different from those who occupied the land. One woman I met must've been approaching 100, or at least her skin said so. This woman was so gentle, beautiful and delicate. Although she had been blind most of her life, we formed an unlikely bond. I clearly remember spending many hours praying for her sight to return. I held her hand tightly through the church services and meals. Even though her sight didn't improve too significantly, I had a complete peace that she knew in those moments that she was loved like she had never been loved before. So even though God did not heal her eyes, I knew He was healing her heart. One night as she was squeezing my hand in the back of the tiny church, I knew there was no where else on earth I was meant to be than right there right then with this beautifully aged soul.

gripping love

2009-04-14T02:44:00.000-07:00

One particular morning last week was spent fighting anger and frustration… hoping that joy would prevail. After a few things caught me off guard and I was a bit edgy, I had a meeting with a flood of details and responsibilities. Jeremy, being the great leader that he is, knew I needed to process and simply let things out. Almost simultaneously to his suggestion to walk, were the tears that began to roll down my face. When we got to the end of the church lot, I almost fell on the grass from emotional exhaustion. This is when things began to surface. I first realized that I have not really gotten away lately… in nature… with God. Things have been building up the last few months I guess and I haven’t had much of a release. So as I began to let out some of these possible reasons for being overwhelmed, it came to my mind that it might not be these at all. You see, it was just all of the details and such that were causing me to be frightened in some way… but it was by those very things that God was drawing me near to him. He allowed that moment to be a breaking point and allowed these things be a tool so that I would fully be able to recognize the end of myself and see His amazing unreal pursuit of me.
As we walked and a truly compelling story of God’s love was shared, I started to see little signs of “wooing” from the Lord. Throughout his story I would see a flower here a something there and God would say, “I grew that for you today.” Then I thought about the spectacular double rainbow that He had given me that very morning. Then I recalled the speaker talking about his wife’s name (Rebecca) meaning captivating and faithful… that’s my middle name. And then I realized that I was captivating to this unbelievably great God. And that even though he would whisper to me to get up and spend time with him and I would respond by just standing there… He continued to run after me in heavy pursuit with all of these beautiful things. My heart began to break as my eyes became truly open to his glory and my heart became full.
On our walk back I had to fall down in the grass again. I could hardly handle this love that I was experiencing. All I wanted to do was lay in a field somewhere and bask in His love and glory. To feel the warmth of the sun and just soak all of this in. Then it really hit me! I was troubled with all of the “details” and “responsibilities” because my heart was not here. He was holding it. Somewhere in all of this processing and realization of His unfathomable love for me, I had completely fallen head over heals for my lover in heaven. I felt as though I finally understood what it was like to be here on earth, but not be here. I began to feel this tension in my heart between just being with my lover and being here on earth living out the purpose he’s called me to live. As Jeremy was praying for me He saw Adam walking in the garden and said that all he had to do was walk around in the garden with the Lord and hang out in communion with God. THAT’S CRAZY AWESOME. I mean, I knew this… but to see how God is wanting me to know this garden experience on earth is so cool. This is my desire… to be in this constant garden with him in the kingdom of heaven in the world. My ultimate heart’s desire of course is just to be with Him in the garden. But knowing I need to be here now… this will do, and it will be spectacular. After the conversation and prayer and revelation I just wanted to run away and be with Him. My heart is so excited for that day when nothing else will be in the way of his pure sweet love for me, but until then… I’ll take as many of these garden moments as I can… and cherish it for eternity.
It’s so unbelievable to me that (like this picture), God reaches out through His kingdom and grabs hold of our heart… desiring that we know this amazing love on earth. I suppose the next step to knowing this love would be to spread it. This great responsibility could be burdensome if this true love isn’t received in the way it was created for. But when the magnitude of this love is realized and accepted, the reply is not only easy but full of joy! The response to this love is a natural outpouring that cannot be contained. It will overflow into all areas of your life… including the uncomfortable ones. The uncomfortable areas are the places we would normally fear to tread. These are the despised, hated, hurtful, crazy, angry, dangerous, risky ones to love. The ones that may never love us- or God- in return. But guess what? We are still called to love them… WITH NO AGENDA. And we don’t ever stop loving them! Jesus didn’t did he? And he never went with a personal agenda other than pointing to the Father. He took His love for us all the way to the cross, then hell and back again. I can’t imagine a deeper more unconditional love than that. You see it’s not always about heaven or hell, but more about this lifelong separation without God thing.
So this evening.. before you rest your head.. think about God’s pursuit of you. And then give Him permission to grab your heart. I have a feeling you’ll never be the same.

no time

2009-04-14T01:35:00.001-07:00

There never seems like quite enough time in the day to get done what you want to do, let alone what is pressing and NEEDS to get done. Why is this? Why, in generation of shortcuts and quick solutions, do we need more time? When I was back in the states, i remember a pretty consistent answer i had to the commonly asked question "how are you doing?" to which i would reply "good, busy... but good." As i would ask the question myself and observe other conversations, I found that this type of answer was being said A LOT. One day I felt a little tug from the Lord where he asked me a series of convicting questions..."why are you so busy", "is what youre doing that is more important than me", "when did stuff become more pressing than people?" So... I began to pray into these things to really see what He wanted me to do with this. His solution? Stop giving people that answer. I felt like he was telling me, that even if I was asked that question... and even if i really was busy... that i was not to say it. So I took it out of my vocabulary and the funniest things happened. A- I became less busy... and B- People became more interesting to me and C- they felt more loved bc i was choosing relationships over "stuff" by my answer. This revolutionized everything for me! My "stuff" became stuff again... but would now get done. People became important. I became less busy.
And my relationship with God became more intimate.

What was meant to save time... has now enslaved us to duty. Shortcuts will never effectively accomplish our goals or enrich our lives like going the full mile. God deserves our full heart... people deserve our attention and love...and our thirst for the holy spirit will only become dry if we continue to find other ways of fulfillment rather than the true source.

Deep calls to deep

2009-04-14T01:27:00.000-07:00

I've heard it said that we've explored more of the universe than the depths of our own sea. This pretty much blows my mind. Sometimes I wonder why we settle for what is right in front of us instead of searching for more. Do we (in a sense) loose part of the knowledge of what truth is, when we don't go looking for more of it? Just like all of the beautiful life and mysteries that are in the deepest parts of our ocean that will never be found if we don't risk something and go looking for them... is the great mysteries of Christ that we miss out on because of settling for what is being fed to us sunday morning... or for what the bible study leader brings up in class... or what our daily devotion shows us. How many people reading this think there is more to God than what you know right now this very second?? Because there is more... there always is. We will never know ALL of who God is until we are with Him, but we can go deeper on earth. How much it pleases our Father when we dive in to go deep and uncover mysteries! As we find these treasures of wisdom and knowledge of Christ (col 2:2-4) he rewards us with a rich intimacy with Him and a love that surpasses all love.

I feel as though, for quite some time now, God has been calling me to a deeper place with Him. I hear Him whisper, "Daughter, come away with me...let's spend time together" beckoning me with His undying love. I hear Him in the gentle breeze, the warmth of the sun, in laughter, the rivers current, the light rain on my face, the bright stars in the elegant universe.. and almost audibly at times. At these moments i'm captivated by his love and my heart must skip a beat. Sometimes i'm speechless and stand in awe and other times i burst into tears. But every time I answer back "yes Lord, here i am... please send me, thank you for loving me the way you do". In the stillness of this intimate moment nothing else matters but him. The person of Jesus is what drives me to seek Him to love like He loved and to lay down my love completely.

So... for the past few months i've felt this longing to go deeper with Him. God's ben asking me to get up earlier so he can have my first moments and He can be the first to say He loves me. If i wait... it seems that I find mixed messages of love throughout the day and not the TRUE love that he can give me. He is our foundation... and he wants to reveal that to us first thing. (Ps 5:3) This is our precious time with Him to really press in and wait.

Then one night i had a very vivid dream. I was pregnant with Jesus and it was the second coming. When i realized who i was pregnant with, I was overwhelmed and humbled with God using me as such an important vessel of life. When I woke up I started listening to an old sermon of my pastor from nashville and was a little startled when it was about Mary and her humble realization of God using a simple servant like her to bring the King into the world. Please read her poetic response to God in Luke 1: 46-55.
It was pretty evident that the Lord wanting me to go deeper and identify with mary some how. Many more things came up the next few days with mary... whether it was a song, verse or vision. As I was speaking with the base leader, He felt I was supposed to identify with Mary's availability... and that God had unbelievable plans for me if I stayed willing and available to his calling. This will involve much sacrifice, but when we identify with His sacrifice... ours doesn't quite compare does it?

A few nights later I showed the new Invisible Children movie (invisiblechildren.com)
to the students for mission night. Afterwards we asked everyone to go on a walk to not only make an effort to identify in some way with these children who suffer so much but to intercede for them as well. As I began walking i felt like God wanted me to go a step further to identify. I threw off my shoes as I passed by the house and began walking the rocky road with bare feet. The pain was almost unbearable at times as it felt i was walking on broken glass... But as much as this hurt, i knew it compared nothing to what they endure every single day.

As I go deeper I discover more wonderful mysteries of who he is... and the more i enjoy my time with Him. We have a choice. We can settle for a normal mundane life.... or we can search the depths of the infinite universe searching for more truth of who he is and become overwhelmed and captivated by his love, making our existence one that knows no normalcy only an extra-ordinary life full of adventure, and a life that's dedicated to the most creative creator that has ever humbled himself to walk this earth.... this journey with us, his creation... his children... his pursuit.

I leave you with this: "Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. By day the Lord commands his standfast love, and at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life" Ps 42: 7 & 8

Hold on

2009-04-14T01:17:00.000-07:00

I hardly know where to begin with this blog because it's so packed full of little treasures that i truly hope will be used to encourage your spirit to acknowledge and hold firmly to the promises of God. It's pretty fantastic how God can speak to us through nature, symbols, visions, and stories. And even more insane when he uses all of those things at once. This story began the day i landed on this isle and the exciting adventure continues...

The familiar story of the rainbow that began way before our time involved a man and a strong calling, lots of rain, a family, a bunch of animals, death, a dove, lots of poo, an ark, a promise in the form of a rainbow.... and new life. Most of us have heard this story a million times and in some ways it's become mundane. In my case, God has brought this story back to life.

Many years ago in Nashville I had a dream of a tornado the same night as a good friend. The following day we realized the significance and decided to look it up. We did some research and realized that tornadoes in dreams could mean that the ground was being dug up, the soil was being turned.. so that new things could grow. This made so much sense in both of our lives at that time. Right after that we went swimming. As we were visiting, I began to read from a little devo book and couldnt believe what i was reading. The verse (which i have not been able to find since) was about a tornado/ storm and something about how he used it for his good. The devo was about a man on a mountain overlooking the aftermath of a tornado. This man was upset as he asked God "why"? Why all of the destruction and pain? The next day the man went up on top of the mountain again and began to see all of these new beautiful things things that were now growing because of the storm that took away the old and uncovered the new. He realized that God did know what was best for us, and that even though things seem painful at the time... He's allowing it to make room for life. As we were reading this devotion the clouds began to almost circle above our heads. We stood there in a long pause of AWE before we ran to the car to escape the rain. As we drove away I told her of what God showed me through rainbows years before that.... and that they are always there in the sky, we just don't see them unless the conditions are just right. It usually takes the Sun, rain... reflection and perspective. Just like rainbows are God's promises. We have evidence in the story of Noah as we do still today. God's promises are solid... they are always there, but sometimes we fail to see them unless the conditions are just right. Our perspective plays a huge part in this... are we going to choose to seek His promises through the perspective of our salvation in Christ?? Or believe the lies that contradict all of the beautiful colors of who He says He is?? And sometimes it's the reflection of his promises we see through our tears and the brightness of the Son. Nevertheless, remember that they are behind the clouds you see in front of you... His promises are TRUE AND STRONG. Sometimes when we think we can't see or hear Him we tend to doubt Him. Why do we continue to stand on the ground as the waters rise screaming out to God "where are you, where are you??", instead of walking on to the ark of safety He's created that's right behind you? Or maybe some of us have accepted His will and are on the ark screaming "how long God, how long?" How much do we miss out on because we are so busy searching for God instead of simply believing what He said in the beginning to be true and following through with His calling on our lives?

As i was finished telling my friend this story I mentioned how cool it would be if we saw a rainbow. Right at that moment at the stop light a big truck turned in front of us and plastered on the side was a GIGANTIC RAINBOW. I love God's sense of humor and precise timing :)

Moving on to present time: The first week I was here in New Zealand I had a dream about a tornado and a flood. The tornado was most likely representing God's powerful presence rooting up the soil in our lives - turning it because it's gotten stale and nothing can grow. And the flood seemed to be the holy spirit saturating our life. Several others dreamed of rivers flooding, etc. Not to mention it had been raining non-stop. Other staff got visions of God raining down, that we would all be drowned in his mercy and hold on to the promises. From the building of the new building, to the raft race our staff participated in, to a guy named noah who was going to help with a ministry we had... I felt like God was trying to tell us something. One day we had a time where we were drawing pictures of visions on a giant piece of paper and I found one more empty place and began drawing an ark, a flood and a rainbow. As I'm drawing it i realize there were already raindrops coming down, then someone started praying that we would be drowned in his grace and mercy, then as i was drawing the rainbow someone else was praying we'd hold on to his promises! Then someone else had the vision of Spring- a new season for us and the students... and I had the vision of God's glory shining through the clouds with a rainbow on the other side. The next few weeks was God showing me rainbows all over the place! I've heard songs about rainbows... seen pictures... and even in the square in downtown Christchurch where we do ministry was a huge rainbow made out of flowers. (As we were doing ministry there one night we began to draw an ark underneath that rainbow and struck up many conversations as they helped us draw the animals in chalk:)

One day there was a group of backpackers who took a hike up to Mt. Oxford. They came back with a beautiful picture of a rainbow over Oxford which we could not see... but they could from a "higher perspective". Since then, i've seen REAL rainbows almost everywhere I go! God is so good, He loves you and will NOT forsake you! Hold on to his promises- believe He is who He says He is!

dusty wings.

2009-04-14T01:03:00.000-07:00

I picked the dying butterfly up off the garage floor in a heroic attempt to save it's life. All i did was wipe the colorful dust of it's wings. I couldn't bare to watch this beautiful creature die all alone on the floor of a dismal garage, so i took it to higher ground. I took it to the exact place i'd want to be when i die. I delicately placed the insect on top of a flower overlooking the sunset.

You know, I don't want to waste my last few breaths talking to friend on the phone, trying to get my mom to see my point of view, reading the latest best-seller, or shopping for a new dress. No, i think i'd spend it here. In this place. Doing absolutely nothing... but taking my last breath praising the one who gave me life.

And as i watched the sun disappear into the horizon i would quietly reflect on this life i'd lived to the fullest, letting go of my temporary past...embracing the eternal bliss that awaits me on the other side of the sun (son).

i keep wondering why that butterflies dust was rubbing off on my hands... then it hit me. butterflies werent meant to be held. they were meant to fly.

squatters village

2008-05-08T10:17:00.000-07:00

The last leg of our trip to Cambodia took us to Siem Reap. We stayed in a little retreat amongst all the pain and devastation of the "squatters village". Journey's within our community has been developed to allow folks to vacation while seeing and helping the needs of the surrounding community. As we journeyed outside the four walls of our safe haven, our eyes and hearts got more than they bargained for. The poverty and living conditions were almost too unbearable to see. I walked down the bumpy dirt roads constantly wanting to shut my eyes, only to open them and be in a different place. A happier place perhaps... a place of hope.

The first child i encountered seemed a bit separated from reality as he sat on the ground playing with broken glass. Not a mother in site. As we walked down the streets further i began to see a pattern develop. The next child had an aerosol can in one hand and some type of knife thing in the other... and a few other children were laughing and giggling as they played with plastic bags in their mouths. Are these children alone? Does anyone care about them? Ones heart could not help but leap out for them. Something has to be done, i thought, but what???

I discovered, through many questions to our guide, that these villages are all over. Basically, these people have absolutely nothing... so they squat in a place that has no value, the trash dumps or sewage areas. They use sticks, mud, trash... whatever they can find... to build a shelter. They're water is dirty and food scarce, so many of the people become sick ... some even die. The parents don't care too much about the children, for they have problems of their own to worry about.

What would be our hell on earth... is there only choice.

Thank God there are people trying to do something about it. This non- profit has actually started to raise money and has begun building wells for the people in this area. I know their efforts seem small in the grand scheme of things, but it does make a difference. Every little thing makes a difference, even if it's only one person... it matters. I enjoyed getting to know this crew and hope to work with them some in the future.

Here's the thing... this is injustice. And they are living without hope for a better tomorrow. There are millions of people in this same position and I could not write this blog without defending every single one of them, vowing that i spend my life fighting for their lives! That there is a true story of rescue, hope and love... and a Savior who fights for us and who longs to make His love known to all.

Spiritually speaking, many of us may be in the same boat...
are we playing with the very things that could be destroying us? Like the child with the broken glass or the bags or the knife. What if that child were to tell me that the broken glass hasn't hurt him yet and won't hurt him unless he falls on it. What if the kid with the knife said the same? I know in my own life there are things that i've waisted time justifying because I enjoyed it.. when all along i was playing with fire just waiting to get burned. There is always gonna be a time when those things are gonna hurt us... or others... because they were never intended to be used that way in the first place. Let us trust that God knows what he's doing when he asks us to stay away from certain things. It crushes Him to see His children hurt.

the door.

2008-05-08T09:36:00.000-07:00

One of the most time sensitive things God revealed to me while in Cambodia was the open door opportunity we have right now. As you must know by now, this country has not always taken kindly to strangers.. especially strangers with a purpose... especially a purpose of providing hope and freedom to a country whose leaders would rather them be oppressed and lowly. Just in case you are not familiar with Cambodia's past, several events occurred in the late 70's that not only killed hundreds of thousands, but murdered the moral...and devastated the economy. Very similar to the holocast, Pol Pot's regime led many to kill for meaningless reason leaving the country and it's people in total devestation.

Present day Cambodia... Although they've tried very hard to overcome this genocide, they've sought endless things that continue to let them down. Like most 3rd world and developing countries.. the rich continue to get richer and the poor... well, the poor are just out of luck. Spiritually speaking, Buddhism is still the number one religion... but as the older are dying, so is the buddhist faith. So where does that leave a country in great need? Where do they turn? Who do they look to for strength, for motivation, for help?

Now this brings me to that door i was talking about... the people of Cambodia are searching. The younger generation is seeking something to hold on to... right now, many are finding false acceptance and love through sex, drugs and alcohol. Many people are at a loss what to do, and would hold on to anything that provides any type of security at all. Just so you know ... many other countries (i.e. religions) are stepping in this door right now and offering a bit of truth or lots of money to join their "group" promising love, acceptance and truth. What is happening here? Well, as soon as they "join" they begin to twist that truth... add things to it, and take away from it.. until it is not even close to the truth. Many are walking through this door and feeding the innocent lies... many are being led astray... many will follow... and many will live a life of false hope. Where are we?

And he said to them, "the harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few.Therefore, pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest." Luke 10:10

Every time i think about this country, i hear this verse in my head. There is a door wide open right now. Who knows how long it will be open... how long we'll be able to get in to this country or speak about a God who is real and alive... who loves them for who he made them to be, not strings attached. He just desires their love in return.

Who will enter through this door with me? Who will enter, not knowing exactly what is on the other side, but being confident that you have a God who will never leave you or forsake you... and confident that through your faith in a living God... you will see mountains move.

Side note: This door may not be Cambodia for you, but could be an unknown in your own life, a door you've hesitated to walk through. If you feel a pull, a calling... i pray you have the faith to walk through with confidence in Him. Once you get to the other side, your eyes are opened and you wonder why you hesitated for so long... Time is short, let's not waist it! Begin your adventure today... whatever that looks like!! Just like in Indiana Jones... even though we can't see that rock bridge across the ravine, we must take that first step and trust that some way, some how... it will be there. God is good, all the time.

daughters.

2008-05-08T09:27:00.000-07:00

So far, in our time here in Phnom Penh, we have found many models of safe homes for young women and children from the sex slave trade industry… but none quite like this one. After a long tuk tuk drive to the slums, we arrived at this peaceful place run by a lady named Ruth from the Daughters organization. Very quiet in nature, this humble women led us through her place of refuge. There are several things we found interesting about her after care program.

Ruth is very intentional of not only providing a place of hope, but also a place to learn skills as well. Her idea is to start several micro businesses with the young women allowing them to have something creative to do as well as providing an alternative income for their family (since most of them were sold into the brothels by their families for money). So far, their after care program consists of a school, a gourmet cake making business, a seamstress business and a soon to be silk screen company. The benefits of having these learned trades are outstanding. Eventually, they hope every girl can be re-integrated into society, able to make a living on her own and minister to other girls caught up in human trafficking.

A big difference in the Daughters model is that there are no forced escapes or sting operations. Daughters is known for their good relationships with the brothel owners. Although this can be quiet controversial I see how giving the girls a choice to leave actually follows biblical principals. Think for a second about the truth of God if you are familiar with Him. Did He force you to believe in Him? Of course not, or everyone would. Did he force you to love Him? No, although that would probably be His first choice. God is a gentleman and will not force someone to love him, even though He’s done everything in the world for them. So many times I’m sure he sees the mess we are in and shows us the love that is available. He offers all hope and freedom if we desire to take it. But just like most of these women, we fear what we do not know. We stay in the slavery of pain and suffering, because we just cannot bear the let down once again. Do we not know that the result must be far better than what we are enduring?? Don’t the girls realize there is something more to life? No. Most of them don’t. Not until people like Ruth step in and tell each one that they are worthy of living a good life.

You see, the root of lies goes deep within the hearts of most girls. From a very young age they are told that if they leave or are “rescued” that they will surely be taken to prison. For what they are doing is wrong. They are also taught to run away and come back if ever taken away. So, in a matter of speaking, these young girls are brainwashed and numbed to a place of no return. In this case, Daughters gives them the choice to gain their respect. If they force them to leave, they might not be trusted. But if they choose to leave, there is a better chance they will stay and desire to change.

I wish you could have seen the life that has been renewed in these girls’ faces. Their eyes were filled with joy, and the air filled with laughter as they lived a life of freedom and purpose. Most of them have left their chains behind, but still have to visit the darkness of that place every night. We are so encouraged to see Daughters bringing hope to a world of destitution by living among the need. We hope to be able to partner with their efforts somehow in the future. As you can see there are many ways in which one person can be a tremendous help and make a powerful impact in this industry. Help us make Human Trafficking and Sex Slaves quickly something of the past and provide freedom for the innocent now!

SVAY PAK- brothel town

2008-05-08T09:17:00.000-07:00

After leaving The Rahab House, we took an eerie stroll around the dusty streets of Svay Pak. Quietly, Don (of Agape) informed us of the many families involved in this sex slave trade industry. There are many problems to be dealt with on many levels. We will try and explain a few so you can be more familiar with this industry. First of all, we’ve found that children in this country have little or no value placed on them. This would resolve why so many of them are sold into this slavery at such a young age. Many of the homes we walked past were empty shells housing brothels. Not only do they grow up in sight and sound of brothels, but they are also exposed to porn played at night on local shop televisions run on car batteries.

The narrow dirty streets were so symbolic of the foundation being laid for the rest of their lives. Some research is already showing that many of these innocent young boys are going to grow up to be the perpetrators and pimps. And nearly 100% of the girls in this particular brothel area will undeniably be involved in the sex industry … and at an appallingly young age.

Creepy men with empty stares glared at us through the windows. Sensual women with daunting walks breezed past with wrong intention. Little girls with brave ambition, but helpless eyes flirt with little boys. Little boys with a smirky grin and a hidden agenda push limits with little regret. All of which have seen things your eyes will never know… they have been exposed to a world of guilt, sham and desires that have come as a result of unfortunate circumstances. There are many preventative measures… we are working on some now. Our hope is that this journey we have taken will provide you with real evidence of this hell on earth… and that you might wish to join us in our efforts of saving young girls from despair, and introducing them to a world of hope and freedom… one person at a time.

the rahab house.

2008-05-08T08:55:00.000-07:00

Amber and I first heard of this developing project a few days ago while chatting with Don and Bridget of Agape International. Immediately our interest peaked. About two years ago, you might recall, Dateline did a piece on human trafficking called “Children for Sale”. Unbeknownst to us, we’d be visiting the very same brothel as the one shut down through their sting operation. What Agape has done is go into this brothel area and create a safe place for children at risk to come by turning a building full of hate, lust, and evil into a home of hope, freedom and love. This very much resonated with our soul and what Freedom’s promise is all about.

During the short, but very intense, tour… we saw and heard things that have been burned into our minds forever. Our intent by voicing these things is not to arouse feelings of anger and bitterness, but to allow a love deep within to surface for these young children and victims involved. Ok, take a deep breath… here we go.

As you walk through the metal gate of this building you can almost feel the battle that took place just a few short years ago… one that continues all over the region... and many parts of the world. This unjust behavior will continue until we bind ourselves together, step out on faith… and do something about it! Where the chairs and tables now rest peacefully with the intent on educating, the swapping of young girls and children for money was so common. As we walked along the dark narrow hallway, evidence of fear and hopelessness was all around. “I love you” was found written in red on one of the doors… presumably being a cry for acceptance and true unconditional love. Inside were painted crosses with sad faces on them and poems written posing the question, “God, why has this happened to me?” and “If you are real please save me”.

My heart began pounding harder with each story they told of how the girls were locked in the rooms during sex so that they could not escape. Can you even imagine a fear of this magnitude? Does hell exist on earth?? I’m sure these children thought at the time that it does… and most thought they may never escape. Only the older children were allowed to leave these rooms, for the pimps presumed the small children might run off if released. This is slavery my friends. This is inhumane. No one…EVER… should have to go through what these precious innocent children are dealing with every single day in this neighborhood and many many others just like it. As if this wasn’t bad enough, viper snakes, rats, and many other rodents were found in this building before the cleaning process began. The living conditions and mal nutrition is horrifying to think of on top of the pain and fear of giving ones body over forcefully time and time again at such a very young age. Seeing this made it real, but I could never imagine myself or loved ones ever having to go through something like that. I am certain the despair and pain will torture them the rest of their days. Even more so if we do nothing to help.

Just when we thought we were finished with the unspeakably heinous images, we were led upstairs to our final but most horrifying place. At the top of the stairs was a bright pink room. Much like one we’d see in the Western world, with pink flowers and such. Yet, instead of it being a safe comfortable room for a child to play and learn… it was being used for a place in which children would have all of their innocence stolen from them for the first time being introduced to a new world of pain, fear and sorrow. This my friends, was called the “virgin room”. Later we found out that virgin children are becoming a high commodity and are being sold for up to $4,000 these days. Unfortunately, in some cultures businessmen find it lucky to sleep with a virgin… even if it costs the child everything. There are actually some cases in which the mothers will sow the child back up, only to be sold again for a high price. Oh, the inhumaneness of it all breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. If only those tears could bring just a drop of peace to a victimized child’s life… but they are scared forever.

Right now, Amber and I are working with this organization as well as many others to find ways in which we can be most beneficial… and fast. Time is of the essence here, this gruesome door of hopelessness is opening daily for children being forced to enter in this world of endless pain and suffering.

Fortunately, in the midst of this animalistic behavior, we can do something about this. There are several NGO’s like Agape in which we can partner with and support. Financially, there are many needs to be met and physically there are hands on things that we can do. Start thinking about what this may look like to you. Don and Bridget are doing a great job of providing care for the young children and women who have been rescued as well as providing this place of refuge (soon to be church) right in the center of this intense brothel area called Svay Pak.

risky business.

2007-10-30T14:06:00.000-07:00

The caterpillar took one look up the tree.. and decided to re-think this whole transformation process. "That's a long way up," he thought... "and honestly, I don't even know what awaits me up there." Constantly, we weigh are options. Day in and day out we make decisions based on the worth of something. Is it worth it? Is it worth what we are giving up? Is it worth what we have to go through to get there? Is it worth.... the sacrifice? You see, what the caterpillar doesn't see... is that this climb that may take him a day or so is going to change the rest of his life. No longer will dirt satisfy him. He'll see that there is more... oh so much more to life. And instead of looking up to see an impossibility, he sees something that could only be accomplished with help. A higher help. God wants us to see Him as a risk worth taking. Not to belittle your thinking, but God did not build this tree... this long journey, to observe at a safe distance. And he definately did not intend for you to do it alone. So why on earth are you still blaiming the one who wants to give you more... why are you still on a dirt diet if you can have sweet nectar?

Here's the thing... what doesn't cost us very much, is not worth much at all. If you take a look at the cross, you begin to see that there was a very high cost to be paid. But regardless of the pain... He paid it. That was the highest cost of all. Therefore, the gift that lies before us is the most worthy. A relationship with Him. Now take a second look up that tree. Do you see a long day's journey filled with obstacles and splinters... or do you see something else. Something most don't see at first glance... that is, a journey with the worthy one. I'm not even talking about all that other stuff you'll see on the other side of it... and the blessings that will occur along the way. I'm simply talking about following the One who loves you and counted you as worthy enough to die for. Listening... and obeying. Taking a magnificent journey...not necessarily for the destination, but for who you will be traveling with.

What's funny about the caterpillar is that it crawls around all day just a few feet below that sweet nectar the butterflies are so blessed with. And as long as that caterpillar is satisfied with his crawl, he'll never taste the difference of a better life. Unfortunately, the caterpillar does not have the means to access such a blessing because of the life it's chosen and the ground it's settled for. I sometimes wonder if the caterpillar can smell the sweet nectar and occasionally wonder if there is more to life. I wonder if they look at the graceful butterfly with envy, curious why their destination wasn't the same. Not realizing the same future awaits them only a days climb away.

I wonder if you sometimes catch a whiff of the sweet nectar of life... and desire more. And then i'm curious as to what it is you won't let go of to make the climb. You see, something has to happen before you can access this new life, something most people aren't willing to do.... die. To become a new creature, your old self must die.

Go ahead, ask the butterfly if it has any regrets for the risks it took... i know i don't.

Some things in life are worth the risks, a relationship with Christ is one of them... and by far the most important.

wreck of the day

2007-10-21T23:48:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I had a lovely time in the park soaking up the sun, watching the ducks go by, visiting with passer-by's... and reflecting over the debatable question john piper so eloquently posed in this week's lesson of "Don't Waste Your Life". This question was frustrating the hell out of me because I was at a loss for the answer! "What a leader.." i thought, i mean, bible study is in a few hours and i don't have a clue on how to answer this question. Before i left the park i simply prayed..." God make this study real to me today, i don't want sunday school answers.. i want it to be real".

I had left my house a few minutes earlier with the intention of being at my sisters house before study started so we could visit. What i didn't realize, was that there was an accident up ahead that was definitely no accident.

Seeing that the light up ahead was turning yellow, I sped to get through in time.
My life quickly flashed before my eyes as i swerved in the middle of a busy intersection to avoid an on-coming car who had run the light. Ready for impact, I felt the abrasive shove and heard the corresponding sound of my bumper being ripped off. I immediately pulled over thanking God i was alive and in one piece. Now it was time to check on the driver...

So Ashley was her name, and brakes were the game. Or lack there of. Unfortunately, they failed her in the moment of her greatest need. Ashley was a timid little thing at first, obviously very shaken up by the accident. When I found her she was in the middle of the highway looking around as if she was a lost puppy searching for her master. Thankfully she was fine. She had sped down the street aways until a fence finally terminated her car's wreckless ambition. Ironically, she was a wreck. Ashley could not put together a full sentence except to somehow communicate that the police would probably take her to jail if i called them. Plan B, have my mother call them. I told her it was the right thing to do... and I would pray things would turn out ok. Afterall, I said, everything happens for a reason...

Soon enough, her older sister, step-dad, and both of my parents would show up. Why we had ourselves a good ole family reunion right ther on the side of the highway! Ha. After talking briefly with Ashley's sister, I find out that they have been praying for her for years. You see, what we didn't know about Ashley was that she was a homeless meth user who had a warrant out for her arrest because of unpaid fines, and whose children lived with her parents. Her sister said, they had been praying something would happen that would re-direct her path and land her in a seat at the local church. What her sister didn't know... was that i pray for these opportunities everyday, and i wasn't as concerned with getting her in church as i was to see a change of heart. And that it did.

Her face slowly began to light up as i spoke of God's love for us and my passion for him. I went on to tell her of his grace, mercy and love... and how i've messed up a number of times, but no wreck is too damaged to repair. He can take you, wherever you are in life... and place you where you are supposed to be. I told her that He wants to use her in other people's lives... to inspire and encourage and help them. That He wants to use her gifts and talents for Him, that she could be truly happy... that He has an abudant life waiting for her! All she has to do is let go. Let go, and let Him take control. She explained that this was in fact her problem.. that she had chosen to do everything herself, while making very poor choices that have led her to the life she now sadly leads. A life of no passion, no motivation, no real friends, no peace, no happiness...a life with a dead beat boyfriend and some drugs... a wasted life.

Ironically, Ashley is slamming on the brakes over and over in her own life in a beat-up car she put together with her own hands that keeps finding itself right in the middle of another wreck. I'm sorry Carrie Underwood, but Jesus not only wants to take the wheel... He wants to make her a brand new car with proper headlights to stay on the road, a horn for warnings, and effective brakes to keep her out of the way of danger.

As I gently, but very passionately, continued to speak of God's real and amazing love with her... her whole demeanor altered. This girl was in desparate need of a someone to save her from this life... from the wreck she'd created. Who better to save her than the Savior himself. Before I left, I asked to pray with her. She gladly accepted. On the side of the highway... Ashley, her step-dad, her sister and myself watched as God picked up the pieces of debris in her life. I couldn't hardly contain my joy! As we ended our prayer and said our goodbye's, her sister gratefully whispered through her tears... thank you.

As I drove towards bible study significantly late, and with a broken car but high spirits... God reminded me of what I had prayed just a few short hours before. "God" i said, "make this study real to me today." What I didn't tell you before was what the perplexing question was. At that moment the revelation hit me! In so many words, Piper had asked if we thought affliction could be brought upon by God so His glory could be revealed in and through it?? This stumped me. I hate to think God would cause affliction upon anyone.. would God really cause something bad to happen to someone, especially his own child?? Well, my "accident" allowed me to see things from a slightly different perspective. I firmly believe that I was in the right place at the right time... and so was Ashley. This wreck, my friends, was a divine intervention at a not-so divine intersection. And you know what? I was thankful. I was more than thankful... I was extactic at the very least! God had used me.. in this wreckless driver's life who was headed down a destructive highway leading nowhere.

I tell you what, it sure does make the affliction a lot less painful when you realize God's perfect arrangement of it all. Honestly, I don't care if i'm in a wreck a day... if in return i get to witness a soul being saved. A(n) (eternal) life is much more important to me than a silly (temporary) car. That's a wreck worth happening, and people like Ashley are a wreck worth saving.

Thank God for accidents, I give Him the glory for it all!

P.s. Praise God! Ashley didn't get carried off to jail... instead she went home to be with her family and make up for some very lost time. Thankfully, we serve a God who is in the business of restoration!

Dedicated to: Ashley.. and all those other souls out there searching for something to satisfy the emptiness, the need. To those who have known the truth, then consciously walked away from it. This is to those people who may have run away from God because of something some imperfect human said or did to you. Well, you won't find the answer you are looking for in friends, lovers, drugs, philosophers, music, money or even (dare-i-say) religious leaders. You can only find the truth, the real truth... and the love you need in God- the one you've been running from. It's time to let go... and let Him take over. Just remember how short our time is here on earth, He desires for you to start living this abundant life with Him now!! In the meantime.. I'll be praying.

"Awake, O sleeper,
and rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."
Eph. 5:14

crawling from comfort.

2007-10-06T14:14:00.000-07:00

i recently posed the question, "can God speak through fortune cookies?" now i'm wondering if he likes to use insects as well... bare with me.

i'm guessing that most of you reading this would say they have a lot going on right now. And that when people ask how you are, you say "good... busy". I know because that is my reply about 90% of the time... and i'm starting to loathe that answer. As of late, i've been trying to make sense of everything in my life. For some reason i keep hearing God say, "shhhh, be quiet for a moment". You see, I can analyze options all day long, but what is truly going to make the difference in my decision is the whisper of the Lord that can only be heard in silence.

As i sit here in the park soaking in all of this beauty and peace, i'm reminded again of what butterflies symbolize... and the deep allure of their significance. I'd forgotten the lesson God showed me through these gracefull insects almost one year ago- about the time God was preparing me for YWAM. You see, i had been told that butterflies mean "new life". makes sense right? Well, over the course of several days i had seen these winged beauties all over the place... butterflies in my face, on t-shirts, songs about butterflies, butterfly projects at story time, butterfly stickers... ok, you get the picture. I finally realized that, through God's beautiful creation, He was trying to tell me something. Each time I saw a butterfly he was confirming the change of course my life was about to take. He was preparing me for something new, something different- like nothing i'd every experienced before...

If you take just a second and look at the life of a butterfly, you see that it was once a very plain ugly creature with not much purpose in the world but to crawl around (at a very slow pace) and feed off the ground. Doesn't seem like those things have much ambition in life eh? Sad story, but it's not over... because something miraculous takes place. And i'm guessing it takes quite a bit of effort for a creature of this lowly stature to make a step of this grandeur... or should i say, crawl? What's interesting is this caterpillar doesn't really even know what is to come, yet chooses to take this extreme measure regardless. What a unique metaphor of life this becomes as they spin this web-like cacoon and enclose themselves inside, only to emerge as a ravishing new creation. The time spent in this cacoon is very crucial, and if anything outside tries to force itself upon it the butterfly may not have a chance to live a moment. However, if the catipillar has the faith to pursue it's uncertain but very real destiny... then it surfaces with a new sweet strenght. One that came from the inside- out.

This week, as i've been noticing a magnitude of butterflies happen my way, i'm reminded of the new life that's about to come again. A life resulting in beauty and strength... a life with a new perspective. Now this life is not neccessariy effortless, it comes with it's own set of challenges... there is a process involved, and risks that need to be taken. Be that as it may, all we have to do is listen. We become silent and listen to that soft whisper gently guiding us to let go of our comforts and rely on Him. And in some cases, like mine, we must lean heavily into Him.

You'd think crawling around on the ground eating dirt all day is not that exhilarating, but then i'm guessing we'd be surprised to know how many people settle for that life daily in the real world. Why? Because it's what they know and they do it quite well. I know i've been there, have you? I believe that it is for this very reason we become so angry at God, bored with life, complacent.... exhausted. You see, it is not His fault... although God's the first we blame. He's the one that desires for us an exciting life full of joy and passion... but the kicker is we settle. We refuse to let go and look up... because we are "just fine, thank you". Is that dirt starting to taste like dirt yet? Well, it won't until we realize there is more to life than this. Until you see that He's created more of a purpose for you than the everyday crawl. Until you are ready to get uncomfortable. But the trade-off, wow, the trade-off is incomparable.

He could be calling you to something as simple sounding as a new refreshed walk with Him... but this may be the most pivotal decision of your life. Dictionary meaning... of crucial importance to the development or success of something else. It's not about us guys, never is... never was. And ultimately that is what will give you the strength to let go. ... and the strength to fly.

And when we do... those risks we took look smaller, and that dirt begins to taste like dirt, those comforts become less comfortable... and the air becomes sweeter, our passion becomes clearer, and our joy is found in the flight. It is here we find true life, and a new perspective...

no man's land.

2007-10-06T12:28:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this blog as somewhat of a liaison linking "letting go" and "crawling from comfort" (soon to come). In the last blog I referred to several places like "bangladesh" and "no man's land" as an analogy for spiritual/emotional places we might find ourselves in from time to time. I feel compelled to take you deeper in my thoughts, to re-visit these places in my mind... only this time take you with me. Where I'm gonna take you is not going to be the easiest place for you to visit, but in the end will prove significant and possibly life-changing. Last June my team of 7 visited our third country and perhaps the hardest... Bangladesh. It was hard for several reasons... Spiritually, I felt the most oppression i've ever felt in my life. I'd never been quite effected by the enemy in this way, but the weight of evil in that place was so thick to me that i could almost see it. As I dealt physically with this place as well, fear began to set in. I've spoken on fear before and in the future i will reinterate... but i believe fear is deadly. It controls, paralyzes and will make you believe many lies about yourself as well as others. I found myself fearing the very air that kept me alive. Sitting in our dorm one day... alone and scared, I could hear the voices chanting over and over to empty gods. I was at the end of myself. I realized that, at this very moment all of my past had caught up with me and was looking me dead in the face. The past 27 years of my life was at a draw... a standstill... with everything that was to come, my future. I can't quite explain this feeling, other than.. it may have been the most frightening day of my whole life. And at this very second mustered up all the courage that was within to lift my head.. and through my tears i saw a picture of Jesus, my Savior. He was looking down at me with compassion and truth. He was saying... "I hold the answer". The answer was Him. I was to let it all go, everything... and look to Him. I knew right then, I had felt the Fear of God. I also knew, that i never ever wanted to spend a moment in life without Him.

About a week and a half later, my team pulled out of the "driveway" fully geared up for the next country- india! What we didn't know, was the series of unfortunate events that were to take place during this journey on the washed out roads that lie before us.
Nothing could have prepared us for that day... the longest day of my life. All seven of us, plus a non-english speaking driver, and all of our baggage squeezed into a mini-van designed for a small family with little to no baggage. Seemingly complicated, this problem seemed small in light of what we'd dealt with the past few weeks. Our 4 hour adventure begins.... 4 hours later: 8 hot, sweaty, hungry people are ready to arrive at our destination... and not a minute too soon. 8 hours later: 8 irritated, really hot & sweaty, stinky, hungry people are seriously tired of bumping up and down. Around every corner was the hope of something new.. some evidence of the India border. Our hope soon turned into dissillusionment and dissappointment. Without words, only looks... we all agreed this might have been the worst day of our lives. We also agreed silently that this could be the last day of our lives as well. And at this point, that destiny may have been welcomed by most of us. For those of you who might be wondering... I now know where BFE is, and i never want to go back. I don't think i couldve even find it if i tried. Approx. 11 hours later we have some sort of reason to believe that we've made it to the border.

Yes, this did bring relief... but not for long. This destination only proved to be full of set-backs and unpredicted delays that would keep us vulnerable position for the next several hours. The border police was, financially speaking, making it so hard for us to leave... we actually thought we may be kept in this hellish place much longer than expected. Once we realized the severity of our predicament, we all did what we had to keep our cool and keep our minds off of a potential disaster. Several hours later, after jumping many firey hoops... we were finally given the affirmation to continue on.
We were just about ready to cross the border... when one of our team members, Rae, discovered her camera and phone were missing. We all searched very dilligently for the next 15 minutes or so with no answer other than the possibility it had fallen out somewhere along the bumpy way. Insisting on finding them, our leader kept looking. To our dismay... he discovered these items in the glove compartment covered in an old rag... stolen by our dear deceptive non-english speaking driver. Imagine the betrayel we felt after all we'd been through with this man... and this country. Fortunately for him, God gave us the ability to see this situation from a different perspcetive with our main goal being to get OUT OF THE FREAKIN COUNTRY!

As we walked through no man's land (the land between bangladesh and india, owned by no one), we felt somewhat defeated... yet slightly hopeful. At this point, I just wanted to lie down and die... rather than continue on with 100 pounds of luggage and the man that just stole from us screaming in our faces for more money. Together we kept moving. India looked just as inviting as Bangladesh (not very). Part of me desired to just stand where i was... to stay with what i knew. I was ready to leave, but Bangladesh was awkwardly comfortable to us now. You see, we were leaving a place we knew.. no matter how difficult and miserable for a place we did not know or understand. This is the place I feel so many of us come to in life. We fear change, simply because we do not know what awaits us on the other side. My encouragement for all of us is that we continue on... That no matter how comfortable we are... we must welcome change, and embrace what we do not know. This is when God moves. Why? Because we are giving up. We are finally saying that we can not do it on our own, and we need His strenght, His wisdom and His power to not only get us through this "no man's land" but to get us successfully to the other side. It's, again, the processing of letting go, with the faith that what he puts in our hands is way better than what we were holding on to.

Once we were safely in India riding to our next place, we broke. A flood of emotions consumed me... we were free, we were safe... and all along His hand was in this. We looked forward with anticipation, courage, hope and love. And we did not look back. For what we had eternally gained was much more powerful and divine, than anything we ever held on to

letting go.

2007-10-06T12:12:00.000-07:00

can GOD speak through fortune cookies?
most christians would say- no... they are the devil. haha. but i believe if you are willing to find God in anything... he can and will use anything in his creation to encourage us, confirm something... why not?? everything under the sun is his and will be ruled by Him again one day. so... instead of me seeing a "fortune" the other day, i saw something else. Let me explain.

Over the past few weeks I've found myself becoming more and more comfortable in this place that i am, satisfied with who i'm becoming... but something has been bothering me. I wasn't quite sure what it was until my good friend revealed more about me than i was initially willing to see. This is always hard isn't it?? When we are faced with yet another thing about ourselves that we find an unhealthy grip on. Over and over his words are to me let go Lindsey, let go. What exactly was he talking about? As i began to open my hands i began to see what was inside of that death grip. You see, sometimes we don't think we are holding on to anything because we can't see it, and the reason we can't see it is because our hands are so tightly closed around it. And sometimes it's just the simple fact of letting go of whatever it is that pleases the Lord. If we can't give it up, it takes priority over Him and ownership in our lives. This can be very bad... it can hold us back, keep us from living an abundant and free life.
So, again... i find it time to let go of what i want for myself. A big part of this was my heart desiring to be pursued and loved by a man. I felt that after I'd done this mission trip I'd be somewhat ready for love. I'd be mature enough to commit to a marriage, make financial decisions, start a business, raise a family... Isn't this what we are all called to do? Isn't this the next step in life?? Won't this make me happy? Those are all wonderful questions to ask... and the more i ask them, the more i get answers i don't particularly like. But, the more i continue to seek and ask, the less it hurts and the more i discover my destiny in all of this. You see... Most of us grow up believing there is a certain order to things in life. And accomplishment of these things is of great success, preferrably if they come in that order. As a 28 year old, and by america's standards, i should be married... have a good job... and at least thinking about having kids. Don't get me wrong, i strongly desire to be married and have children... and i deeply desire true love. Probably more so than others, bc i've found myself at this place of having everything i need but that. Meaning, I've lived a full life already... i've grown, i've matured... i've taken care of all or most of my issues. So naturally, the thing that's left, the thing that's missing is ... well, love. Since i've been home i've gladly welcomed any prospects. Hmmm, ok, well, where are they? Haha. Along the way... toward the next phase of my life, i've had one eye on the Lord... and one eye searching for that love. I discovered something about myself during this time. That being married... having children... etc, is not Gods destiny for my life. His destiny is found in the pursuit of Him... the complete abandonment of our own plan in exchange for his- an abundant life. And then, he may or may not bring that love along. But i see that my focus should be on Him first. Sure it will be harder this way... and a lot more risky, but i'd rather know for a fact that things are in his hands... and are happening according to his time table, not mine. I used to be frightened that i'd be the last to be married... but now i'm excited bc all of Gods greatest gifts are around the next corner. I believe that me letting go is not saying that it will be 10 years before i get married and have children... no, i believe that in letting go.. i'm taking my eyes off the world again, putting them on him, and when he so desires (maybe tomorrow, 6 months... who knows?) then, i'll be completely madly in love with the person he puts in my life and i'll know without a shadow of a doubt that He is the one i'll love forever.
No man's land between two countries is probably the most difficult place in one's life. You know what you are leaving behind... and your trying to have faith that what's ahead is better than what you've left. He's constantly asking us to let go with the faith that whatever He has for us is better than we couldve ever imagined. A lot of people stay in "Bangladesh", afraid to let go of what they know... even though it is sometimes the hardest place they could possibly be in. They take stock in what they are familiar with... because they are comfortable. What they can not see from here, is a whole land waiting for them on the other side of the border if they would just take the steps of faith needed to cross. Fear can hold us back...fear of the unknown. If you only knew what God had for you on the other side, you'd give everything up in a heartbeat. But instead we hold on to what we know... and in turn our deepest hearts desires are crushed. Part of us dies. We live our lives settling for what we understand and never grow... It's time for me now. The pressure's been building once again, the sign's are all pointing... and today a little slip of paper inside my cookie so wisely stated:

FRONT:Today is the day you let it go. Your chance will come.
BACK:learn chinese- boyfriend

This is what i've realized... if we keep letting go, and giving up our will our chance will come. Simple as that. It's not our place to make our chance reality, we continue seeking His face and let Him bring to us what He wants at the proper time without an expectation other than Him providing for our needs. Who knew that God could speak through little chinese cookies?

When in Rome...

2007-07-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

Many exciting things took place here. Not only were we able to see things like the Collesseum, the Trevi fountain, the Spanish steps, Vatican city, the Sistene Chapel, St. Peter's Bascillica, but... we were able to do this with some familiar faces. Our second night of being there, Fleur and i were walking towards the pool area at our campgrounds when we heard our names being yelled. Believe it or not, it was two of our good friends from ywam Laura and Cheryl. None of us knew the other would be there! Then the very next day i was able to meet up with two others. One of which took me out for a nice dinner and gave me some american money she had left over. God, again, showed his faithfullness to me, his child... in the same city that Paul had such an interesting relationship with. I had to do a lot of trusting before leaving rome... for i traveled alone, and had no idea where i'd stay when i got there.

romance me.

2007-07-28T21:05:00.000-07:00

Paris, yes, definately the most romantic city in the world. Paris had me at Bonjour! That was it, I fell head over flip-flops for the city of lights. There is no turning back, i'll never be the same. The city exceeded my expectations that i began creating in my mind since i was a little child. I guess i had always pictured myself there with my husband... i just hope one day i will return. Actually, i know i will. And if you've ever wanted to visit... if it's always been your dream, please go! Do whatever you have to. Save money... sell something... sacrifice, just get there. And when you do sit at the foot of the eiffel for hours and remember that there is still love in the world, that dreams do come true... and that you are living a life full of challenges, beauty, quests, temptations, victories, life and death... but most importantly love. As we sat there with our baguette, cheese, and wine... we just stared up at this beautiful creation. And i must admit, slightly overcome with emotion. I can't explain exactly why, but i'm sure it was a combination of many things. I just feel so blessed to have been able to travel the world and see so many of these things i've wanted to see me whole life. There was nothing superficial or faux about this place like there had been in so many other cities. Paris is the real deal. I felt a bit swept off my feet at times. I couldn't help but think of the love that I will once have. I look forward to knowing who this man is... i'm waiting for him to find me, i'm waiting for him to love me... i'm waiting for him to romance me.

Ciao bella

2007-07-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

Italy, on the other hand, was anything but restful. This was only because we spend about a day in each place...Nonetheless, Italy as a whole might be one of my favorite countries in the world to visit. There is so much to see and do and EAT! I think i ate enough pizza and pasta to quench my craving for the next year... um, nah. The food in Italy was delicious, the people were friendly, and the scenery was ravishing! As i was saying before, our first night was spent with our new friend Elisa who practically gave us her keys to the apt. in city centre of milan! She even did our laundry for us and took us out for giant pizza and gelato. Seriously, God provided for us so much here. We decided we could not pass up a chance to see Venice, so we went for the day and God provided a hostel that night and 2 new friends! Next we trained it down to Cinque- terre, which may be my absolute favorite place in the world. I'd recommend this place to honeymooners/ backpackers/ dreamers... anyone who appreciates beauty really. After one night in paradise we continued our journey on down to Florence where we found this fabulous campground with an amazing view of the city. I think the highlight of this destination was Michealangelo's David. We were able to see many other familiar works of art which continued on in Rome. I think it deserves its very own blog....

rest

2007-07-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

After successfully completing my ywam dts and outreach... our adventure continued on. For me, rest and relaxation was much needed after the hustling and bustling around southeast asia for 3 months. Apparently a greek isle was just the location to do this. My friend Fleur and i spend a few days in athens before taking a ferry to Naxos island. Thus, the miracles and crazy stories begin. I arrived in Greece about 10 hours before Fleur so i had some time to prepare and contemplate our next step.... While thinking and praying, i had no assurance of anything but what i felt God had promised me during intercession. One of those things was that on the flight someone would come to know Him, and that another person would offer us a place to stay. Well, on the flight i was able to open my heart completely to a woman and as she spoke to me of her fears and loneliness she began to cry. I was able to speak truth into her life that i pray she holds on to and really seeks further. Secondly, i met a girl named Elisa. She was an incredible help to us... and now a good friend. Not only did she help us get a ride and room at a hostel, but offered her home in milan for us to stay. Wow! God really knows how to bless his children hey? After spending a few days in the athens heat traipsing around gawking at the many many ancient ruins, we helped ourselves to a big helping of greek island life. Now, i could give you the shortened x rated version of our experience, but i don't think that wrinkly, ugly naked people would suit your fancy. I have to say, we were a bit surprised to find our beach so bare. Ha ha! Even though we were a bit bored at times... i did leave the island with a better self- image. My body was obliged at the restful time spent doing... well.. nothing.

reservations

2007-07-22T08:33:00.000-07:00

Before the "after travel" portion of Fleur and i's excursion into the wild frontier, we decided to be more spontaneous and live completely by faith instead of relying on our own resources (partly because we didn't have much to rely on at all). Not only was this going to stretch our faith, we thought very ignorantly, but it was also going to stretch our dollars... or shekels or euros or pounds. Ha, well... yes, our faith was stretched... so thin i might add that the threads were holding on for dear life at times. Nonetheless God has not failed to prove his love for us over and over by providing in ways we could never imagine... thus strengthening our trust in him. So... because we are such brave souls we had previously chosen to book nothing ahead of time. Although most people would call us foolish girls, this has actually been the coolest part of the whole trip... i've discovered more about myself during this time of faith than possibly my whole life put together (which is adding up quickly). Along with this theme... i'd have to say that i now have more reservations than ever. I now make my decisions based on a more mature level... i may have... wait, dare i say... become an adult??? no way!!! Is that possible? Lindsey Little?? Did the earth shift a little bit just then? Ok ok, i'll quit giving myself such a hard time... but really, i feel like i actually put some thought and wisdom into my actions and decisions these days. I see how every decision on this trip has directly effected another one... leading us to one place or the other. And i truly feel that if we do put thought and lots of prayer into a decision, it can not be wrong... because what we are doing is seeking God and that is all he wants. I have so much more freedom now in my decision making knowing that i am following his way.. instead of the highway of course. So, in fact, i have heaps to say of reservations... how holding back does in fact prove to be a good thing. We wait on Him... not us, or anyone else for that matter... Him.

Jerusalem

2007-07-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

What can i say? Jerusalem is everything i thought it'd be and more. If buddhist can take a pilgrimage to northeastern india, or if catholics can journey to the vatican city to see the pope... then why don't we as christians visit the holy city?? Well, like i stated before... Israel is in a definite state of disarray. This does not mean Jerusalem is a frightening place however. Please take this expedition before it is too late and Israel is completely closed off to the rest of the world. I highly highly recommend. Several cool things about Jerusalem... one is the old city. If you have the opportunity to stay inside the walls please do! It is like no other. It is quite interesting to see the Jewish, Christian, Muslim and Arabic all living within the confines of four walls. Some people are gladly amazed that these four completely religions can live peacefully here, and some are a little disturbed that most people just don't care anymore about the true history of their country. Most of the historical sites are outside the city walls except for the wailing wall, tower of david and a few other sketchy sites... like the birthplace of mary. The tomb and garden of gethsemene really made the bible come alive though. That's what i loved most about traveling through the areas of israel, greece and italy. This are places the people i've read about all my life walked, talked, performed miracles and spoke of Jesus love. It's wonderful as i journey how i get to do a "modernized" version of the same thing. I feel blessed and honored to be walking in the steps those brave men and women who followed the Lord.. sure, making some mistakes along the way... but nonetheless, portraying love to the men and women of this world of all kinds, shapes and colors.

Israel and the media

2007-07-22T08:07:00.000-07:00

There is not much on God's green earth that bothers me... but one thing i've discovered while visiting Israel is how distorted our media's portrayal of this country is. Sure there are places that are in shambles, but there is not one country in the world that is perfect and peaceful. I think most of you know that the media tends to focus on the negative... the "explosive" news if you will. What we don't realize is that this very negativity is instilling little deposits of fear in us and time after time that builds up. This fear paralyzes us. There is so much out there to see and do... so much beauty of this world to experience... but we tend to stay home because its safe. Something just as crazy could happen in our comfort zone. I would love to see more people stepping out of that fear of danger that entraps us, and stepping into a world of adventure! Trust me, we were not in danger once... what you see on tv is basically in one small area away from civilization, life elsewhere is normal. Tel Aviv was pretty much like any other beach town. While we were there we used our time wisely and debriefed the past 3 months of mission. Of course, there were occasional visits to the ocean front. Our time at the hostel was chaotic, but interaction with the backpackers proved to be compelling as our conversation always ended up landing on hope of some kind... truth, love. Our God is good. It was always so much fun to entertain strangers and engage in spiritual talk over dinner.

small world

2007-06-12T23:26:00.000-07:00

Small world stories- I find that where ever i go i normally bump into someone i know, or someone that knows someone i know... but for that to happen all the way over in india was pretty crazy huh? haha. There are two actually, one was at a coffeeshop in Darjeeling, when a few guys came up to me while i was talking to my sis Beth and we found out he had been to my hometown of Jonesboro at my old University and had met a good friend of mine! Then, the next one blows my mind. I was sitting in pizza hut (yes, pizza hut) in Augra, India with my team... when i look over to find a very familiar face. I ignored the similarity at first, thinking she just looked like someone i knew. But when i finally decided to talk to her i found out it was one of our professors in college and someone that came into my coffeehouse very often!!!! how weird is that?? Seriously now. It was even more humorous, because all day long i kept telling my team i felt like i was going to run into someone i know. hmmmm, it is a very small world after all.

Coffee talk.

2007-06-12T23:20:00.000-07:00

Really, i do believe that this mission has been the best decision of my life... and not only have i been able to see many come to know my lover, but i've seen the sacrifice of so many who love him... i've seen the passion they have and it's rubbed off on me. I'm a changed woman... I have a fresh new outlook on life, and i now have a perspective of the world that i never could have had without experiencing it in this way. I am so excited to come back and share the stories, encourage other bothers and sisters to live life to the fullest, and tell people who don't know Him how much He means to me... through the way i live my life. I can not express how much love i have for all of you at home that have been praying for me... and keeping in touch... and for those of you who have even helped me financially. God is so good to us, i pray that you have also been blessed during this time for blessing me, and if you haven't you will! I can not wait to see all of you in a little over a month! I expect very intense hugs that last at least 5 minutes a piece.

Dehli, India. (the real india)

2007-06-12T23:13:00.000-07:00

The flight to dehli was pretty nice... but when the door opened my skin began to melt off my body. Guess what? Now i know what hell feels like. Over 120 degree weather could kill a person... or at least it tried. After a "interesting" 6 hour bus ride to Augra, we were dirty, tired, cranky and hungry. What a relief to get to our hostel hosted by the one and only Colonel Lambda. This was a great place and the taj mahal was just magnificent! I could not believe the contradiction between it's brillance and the impoverished ruins that surrounded it. We took abnormal train ride back to Dehli and began our unusual journey to the hotel. This might have been the most fascinating of all our adventures considering that Dehli has the worst traffic situation in the whole world. Seriously, it did not even compare to the crazy moto rides, the weaving traffic, and slightly annoying horns in the other locations. I just thought my life was in danger before. As we were in the middle of traffic one of our vans broke down and we had to frantically move all of the luggage and people into one van.. which logically is not possible. The whole time we were doing it we were laughing and the driver is screaming " come on come on... get in, shut the door!" We didn't even know he knew English! It was the most humorous thing ever to us, as i'm sure it was to the locals. Ha, crazy americans! We actually think they may be where we got the term/game Chinese firedrill... except in India. We also discovered why we say Holy cow. The cows here are so sacred to these people, they just roam the streets, block the road... and eat the trash.

Darjeeling, India.

2007-06-12T23:09:00.000-07:00

Our first impression of India was a total contrast to our last impression of Bangladesh. Smooth roads... smooth sailing. We get to Siliguri, find a decent hotel with comfy beds, and eat pizza! This was the beginning of a beautiful journey. The next day we started our assent up the beautiful mountain to Darjeeling. The climate change was welcomed and the cool crisp air seemed to lift our spirits a bit. I never could have imagined this place could be so beautiful! The mountains towered over us, the waterfalls peacefully fell from the boulders petruding from the mountains... and the clouds delicately floated below us as if having nothing else on their agenda. I fell in love! Automatically. Perhaps i could attribute that love to the simple fact this place was such a contrast to the rest of the countries... but something about it was magical. Our first view of the city was from our balcony at sunset, this might have been one of the most spectacular things i could have imagined. This ministry time in Darj was right up my alley, not to mention that it was a perfect transitioning time for after travel. Allow me to explain.. the staff that is there is very small and has only been there about 6 months. This team is the first to be here and take on this type of ministry... we call them pioneers. I love it! A lot of what we were doing was pioneering as well and helped them gauge what needed to be done and where. We took part in spiritual mapping and spiritual evaluations... we learned to bring up questions in normal everyday conversation that could help our staff know the cities spiritual condition. Our stories of the getting to know the locals would blow your mind! Remind me to tell you of crazy uncle Tony and his english school at a very sketchy house! Ha, He's a trip for sure! Then, there was the backpacking ministry. I loved every bit of this. It was so cool to start up conversation, get to know someone... make relationships around town... and tell them about the one that makes my heart beat! It was so amazing, and we actually saw some come to know him and many who are now thinking about him more! One of the weekends we got to go to a tea village, minister to masses of people and elementary schools... and visit the largest tea distributer in the world (incl. to tazo tea- starbucks!) and the most beautiful river i've ever seen! Hard to leave this place, but i definantly have every intention of going back one day.

Bangladesh

2007-06-12T23:04:00.001-07:00

On to Bangladesh. This my friends was one of the most spiritually challenging places I've been in. Immediately when i arrived i felt the weight of the place. It was hard for me to think anything positive and the spiritual oppression was unbelievable! I actually even got physically sick and had to visit the doctor twice. After much prayer by my team and a conscious decision to change my attitude even though my body wanted to sleep... i was healed! After that i was able to minister with my team through kids ministry in the slums to open air ministry, church and working with their underground radio ministry. This base just started a few years ago and so far has had a very tough road, it was cool to be able to encourage the staff and bless them as well. Although for some reason... we always feel more blessed when we leave a place than they do! Our way out of bangladesh, i believe, was the most challenging trip we had on outreach. So the 7 hour sweaty bumpy ride in the back of a truck up a mountain and loosing our luggage on the freeway were cake compared to this. First of all, the 4 hour trip turned into about 12 hours on a bumpy sweaty stretch in the middle of nowhere... with a flat tire and almost no food or water. Once we got to the boarder of India we had to pay again to leave the country!! Hahaha. crazy huh? The boarder exchange was a difficult one, especially since our thief of a driver was asking for more money AND chasing us in no man's land between the two countries! We were relieved for a bit after crossing in one piece until we saw the 1 km walk ahead of us... with all our stuff. After praying... "God what is the meaning of all this?" for 1 km... and hearing no answer... we were as ecstatic as possible to get on a normal suv to get to our next destination. You can't imagine how happy we were.

Thailand, part deux

2007-06-12T22:58:00.000-07:00

Thailand part deux.. after a long grueling bus ride to korat we arrived after almost loosing our luggage on the freeway when the bottom of the bus unexpectantly opened up. You should have seen Jesse running behind the thai man to rescue the luggage only to have onlookers wonder if this white man was chasing this thai man for a reason. hahahah! Especially when he turning back with a frightening look on his face! While in Korat we were able to do several amazing ministries such as going to a nursing home, an orphanage, some boys detention centers... and spending a few days in jail( ok, we just visited these prisons.. but one was high security, so there.) Overall, Thailand was amazing... and we just felt so blessed from all of the opportunities and all of those who were encouraged and/or came to know the Lord.

Thailand

2007-06-12T22:50:00.000-07:00

Our next stop was Thailand.... Oh, how i love Thailand! Bangkok was were we stayed on and off as we traveled throughout the country. Nice big city... very western. We enjoyed having comfort things like starbucks and pizza! While in Thailand we were able to stay in a village way up north called Musagee Hill Tribe. And... it pretty much looked like how you would imagine- bucket showers, squatty potties, chickens...cows, oh you know random fires that make us fear for our lives ( no big deal really... haha). These people here were amazing!! We got to build a fence around their land, teach kids programs, encourage other believers, etc... but our favorite part was sleeping in the bamboo hut! I'll never forget those who loved us so much including our translator Daychay and our photographer Lou. This was a one of a kind experience for sure, especially the elephant ride the last day!

Cambodia

2007-06-12T22:45:00.000-07:00

Let's see... where in the world do i pick up? I regret how long it's been since i've blogged. I'll try my best and catch you all up on what has happened thus far. After leaving New Zealand, we arrived at our first destination in Phnom Phen, Cambodia. After a day or so of living in the "city" we traveled to a smaller town a few hours away. This is where we stayed for about 2 weeks. I've never experienced ministry in this way. We were able to speak the name of Jesus to people who had never heard before! Many came to know Him through our daily journey to the villages. We were also able to teach english to the younger kids and do a lot of hut to hut evangelism. Our relationships with the young missionary pastor and his wife... along with the interpreters grew very deep. Departing was difficult and tears were shed. Cambodia will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. I hope many will be inspired by my stories to visit and help, for they need lots of it! I hope you like gecko's! hahaha. Oh, and remind me to tell you of the time the chickens got loose in the tiny kitchen with about 8 of us trapped against the wall while the dog ferociously attacked the screaming birds! It was a riot!

Intercessory

2007-03-20T01:38:00.000-07:00

Just so you all know.... PRAYER is the biggest part of ministry. Prayer, communication with our heavenly Father, accomplishes many many things. It draws our hearts closer to our creater... if you are visual like i am you might like to evision crawling up into His lap, looking up into his eyes and him telling you that he is pleased with you the way he made you... he loves you and you are safe there in his arms. Seriously, the more i experience this closeness, the more i want to find myself there... in that place where he knows my heart and i know his. Secondly, prayer prepares so much.... it prepares our hearts for what will happen, it prepares the road ahead of you, it prepares others hearts to be open... Thirdly, with intercessory prayer, you can actually pray on the behalf of others. Spiritual warfare is very big and very real... and although God has won the war, there are battles daily between the kingdom of God and the kingdom of darkness that we don't see but definately feel the effects of. While i've been here, I've experienced prayer like i never had before! God says that if we 1-Praise Him 2- Confess of our sins 3-Silence the voice of the enemy 4- Silence our own voice 5- Invite the Holy Spirit to come and 6- Wait in expectation to hear from him..... Then we WILL hear from him. We will see visions, have revelations, get words for people... and sometimes even feel what they feel. We become sensitive to the holy spirit, allowing him to really come upon us and work through us. My prayer is that everyone experience prayer in this way. It is so powerful!!! The words, pictures and verses that you can get for people can be truly encouraging and life changing. There have been times where those things have confirmed what God has been telling me for so long! We have also seen miracles as the outcome of these prayers.... Please be praying for us as we prepare for 3 months in very hard conditions. .... our health is so important during this time. Please pray for travel. Please pray for safety. Pray for revival, that many will come to know Gods love the way we know and experience it! Pray for our unity. Please pray for financial needs as well... I'm trusting God will provide!!! ( As a whole, our money is not quite there, and there have been some needs come up lately personally as well) Please please please, if God gives you any word of encouragement or verse or picture.... please share it with us... you never know it may just come at the perfect time. I am so greatful that I have brothers and sisters who have dedicated their lives to God and who are making a difference in this world. You are all so amazing!!!! Bless you.

Outreach is near

2007-03-20T00:32:00.000-07:00

I must apologize for the gap between blogs. It certainly has been awhile since the last one, but I hope it's encouraging content makes up for that! First of all, I appriciate all of you devout readers who have kept up with me through these little excerpts of my life so far from home. You have been persistent in asking for more and keeping me accountable and for that AND your prayers I am so thankful!! Please pass the word on to others who may be interested in knowing how i am... honestly this is the most efficient and effective way for me to communicate with all of you. It has become a bit overwhelming trying to keep up with book reports, tests... processing lectures and sending updates every week (which obviously has not happened, yikes!) So much has happened since last time... I hardly know where to begin. I'll just give you a summary to the best of my memory and if more comes, i'll write more later. Basically, time has flown by and we depart from New Zealand in less than 2 weeks. Wow! That just blows my mind! I have learned so much these past 10 weeks... so much that i'm sure i'll still be processing way after i return to the states. A few specifics would have to be how my outlook has definately been slightly altered. I no longer see foreign missions as something that a few christians who are devoted to the Lord are called to. I see foreign missions as something that all christians are called to. In matthew 28:18 God calls us to GO. Of course there is way more to it than that... but the fact is, is that although some are called to the US, we are mostly a "christian" nation.... where are most countries are mostly dominated by other religions. There are some places in some countries where the people have never even heard God's name! As an american, we hold most of the worlds resources in the palm of our hand. Globaly... we are the richest. There is so much we CAN do! I know part of the calling God has given me is encouraging others to go and be apart of the answer. Please don't think that one person can not help, because you CAN. Together WE can. I think, for most of us... it's hard to leave the comfortable life, the financially supportive job, the nice church with sweet people... retirement, etc. Or, we may have bills holding us back, responsibilities, children, sickness.... doubt. Don't we know God can overcome anything? Don't we trust he'd provide a way?? Then there are some (and i'm just as guilty) of saying it's not my calling... or it's for someone else, someone younger, someone richer. Perhaps it is our calling, all of our calling... but the enemy would like us to think it's not to keep God's kingdom from furthering and his prospering. wow! that's such a frightening thought to me. Perhaps fear holds us back... who knows? There are so many reasons that I could have thought of before... but God was gracious and provided and allowed me to follow through in obedience. My prayer is that as other people see God working through my life all over this planet, that they too will want to be used... that they will know they can trust Him for anything.... that they, YOU, will be wrecklessly abandoned for Christ! wooohooooo! For all of you who have helped me financially or prayerfully ( and i'm telling you the prayers are vital!!!) you have assisted in this mission more than you know... and my prayer is that you are blessed somehow because of that obedience. Thank you all so much... you are on my heart forever.

Father Heart

2007-02-14T00:59:00.000-08:00

Today is a very special day. Not only is it the commercialized day of LOVE, but it is my father's birthday. It was a bit ironic but obviously God that we talk about the father heart of God today... and our perception of the heavinly father because of what we know and see of our earthly father. It is very rare in our world that we have a enthusiastic view of what a strong, powerful yet gentle and meek father should look like. Why? Because so many times the father is missing, or worse... present. So many times we have a father who provides all of our needs but he is not there. Or we have an abusive father... mentally, emotionally, physically. Biblically a father should be a perfect balance between the lion and lamb of God... meaning... the protector, the courageous fighter, the might of a lion... and the tenderness, meekness, and sensitivity of a lamb. And if we are one of the lucky few who had a wonderful childhood full of only precious memories... we still don't have a flawless perception of our heavinly father. why? Because He is perfect and no one else is. But my father.... well, in my eyes, my father is close. He is a quiet man... but when he speaks it is strength... his voice exudes love, wisdom and might. I know that my father will never lie to me, he can't.. it's not his nature. I know that above His own life, my father would protect mine. I know that no matter what I do... my father would never disown me from his life, his home. I know that when my father is silent he still thinks of me. That i am on his mind more often than not... that he lifts me up to the God everyday. I know that in his eyes i am a little girl who still crawls up in his lap for security. I know that i can trust him, but i also know that my dad is only human. I thank you God for sending me an earthly father that points to you as the answer for all. How do you see God the father? Just know that no matter how much you have been dissapointed in life or let down by those that should have been there to pick you up... He wants to show you a new love... a perfect love... an unconditional love... and guess what? It's free for us, but it cost him. Please, crawl up in the fathers lap and ask him to show you a true revelation of his love today. He will! Why would He hide his love from you?

Weeding

2007-01-30T02:03:00.000-08:00

I just love how God reinterates things in my life to get the point across. I often chuckle at His creativity... and sometimes it just frightens me! Ha. It began when God started uprooting things in my life. I left my "great" life in nashville for a life in a foreign place with strangers, accountability, schedules.... school work? Ugh, I thought i was over that already. It would only be natural, I suppose, for me to feel a bit out of sorts. While all of these uncertain feelings are happening and doubt set in... God was making me weed for spiritual significance. First, several people mentioned gardening... in their sermons, conversations... etc. Secondly, My work duty that week was to... guess what? WEED, hahaha. Through that He showed me how easy it is for weeds to sneak up and take over a beautiful garden. And how the weeds in the rock were much easier to pull up than the others. Quickly, I compared this to my life and what I build it upon. Obviously, God would rather us use rock (that's Him). Then, after this revelation (which is actually much deeper than what I've just represented) I had a devo about it. Then, I read my new friend Bill's book on flowers (I especially loved the part where Bill pleaded with his readers to find beauty in this species of flower and give it a chance in their garden. How often does Christ plead on behalf of us who only have true beauty because of Him). Through all of this I finally realized that God was turning the soil in my soul... and take my word for it, it was NOT easy. This was the beginning of the painful yet equally needed process of weeding in preparation for my beautiful gradually progressing garden. With much gratitude, and a new appriciating for weeding... I accept this pruning process at the same time asking for your prayers. God is in the business of turning wreckage into roses. He will forever be the faithful gardner of my soul.

M.I.A.

2007-01-30T01:31:00.000-08:00

If you happened to notice that I've been absent for a few days... well, about a week... then Good on ya!(a native expression thats quickly becoming familiar) It's good to be missed. Believe you me, that feeling is strongly mutual. I'd like to appologize for being out of sight out of mind, I'll attempt to explain... For those of you who know me, you might now that in the past few years I've unfortunately had to deal with small but very intense bouts of depression. For those of you who don't know me that well... take heart, you will soon! This journey, which is undeniably going to be FULL of ups and downs, outs and ins... is bound to cause some physical weariness and emotional discomfort. It has been a stretch for me spiritually as well. When I don't listen to my body... my body and mind screams curse words at me. It's not pretty people. HA. I'm not gonna lie, the first two weeks were pretty tough in every way, shape and form. And close to the end of last week I had, what most sane people call, a "mental breakdown"... well, ok, it's not as bad as it sounds... but i got pretty emotional. I was tired of feeling like all of my actions were forced, i felt so fake. Oh, how I hate this feeling! I felt as though I'd lost my joy... lonliness, anger, desperation, doubt... these were all overwhelming me. Fear was paralizing me- 100% After the "meltdown" , I had several people pray for me. This was good, but something still was not right. I decided to fast and pray all day to get some peace... answers... rest, joy.. something! I went to the prayer room at the local church and ended up staying for 4 hours! During that time, I heavily leaned into God and His promises. ( This is a command from Him as believers) Still... nothing. Thank God I have wise parents and good friends who pray for me and keep me in check constantly. From them I kept hearing... be patient, be patient... it will come. I knew He would never leave me, but i just wanted to FEEL his love and joy again all over me. Could He deny me of that? The next day I was still feeling a little down and out. As the day went on I started to see little glimpses of light. I held on to that. As the day went on the light grew stronger and brighter. Thank God! He knew the amount of darkness I could take before I broke and through that I believe He was strengthening my roots in Him. Like our speaker so elloquently put it yesterday, " Sometimes God will hide himself from us momentarilly to get us from where we are to where He wants us to be." That's powerful stuff. The whole time I knew He was there, but I was forced to seek Him because I was desparate too see His face and feel His love again. And when He showed up, well... my heart is full. My devotion today confirmed this very thing. It spoke of grass and leaves which have to be completely still so that their pores can open. Once this occurs, the dew comes and nourishes the plant. Just like that, we have to be completely still and quiet in order for us to be open to recieve the saturation of His presense! Be still, Be quiet, Be expectant.... and wait. He is here and He will make you complete.

wounded sheep

2007-01-16T23:39:00.000-08:00

I must tell you quickly of an incredible story of my shepard. A few days ago we had our first worship session. For those of you who know me, this is something i love. Expressing love to my father through song. (As i am writing this, there is a group singing praises in the living room of the house i'm in... this is so great) As the group was worshiping, I felt a massive oppression. Almost physically, the unwelcomed force was pushing my spirit down into a dark place. I could not move. I sat on the floor in a ball barely able to ask my father for help. Thoughts of anger, hate, and sorrow penetrated my mind. All from the enemy and all destructive. This had to stop... the war in my mind was raging. When i left i shared with a few of my discomfort that evening. I agreed with some, that I would feel that joy again.. but patience was required. Yesterday we had some free time and some of us decided to go to lookout point. The uphill trek was a hard battle, but the view was worth it! Once we got to that point, we hesitantly decided to go farther. But to keep going we had to cross some barbed wire into a field of sheep and poop..mmmm... pleasant. The group started going into a ravine with pokey things and bees, so i conviently stayed behind. On the walk back God caught my attention. With no warning the bright sun broke through the clouds, the grass, trees, and sheep were in perfect position to reveal Gods glory to me through nature. This was a moment I'll cherish forever. Tears began streaming down my face as I realized the Fathers love for me- His underserving child. The flock of sheep ran up the hill towards the sun, but something about this picture was unsettling. Behind the group... in the distance, was a limping lamb trying its best to catch up to the rest. As I witnessed its struggle I identified with its pain and realized i was just like this wounded lamb. God captured my heart at this moment as He assured me He loved me just as much as the other four legged creatures. I walked away feeling the joy of a child accepted in its Fathers loving arms. I have done my own thing for way too long... and as much as He's pleaded my return, I waited until I could wait no longer... and now I was wounded by the world. And after all that He welcomed me back like the prodigal son. Oh, the joy!! I can't express my gratitude. Standing there rejoicing I heard His soft sweet whisper through the wind in the trees... and I'll never be the same.

AW80 part one.

2007-01-16T23:18:00.000-08:00

Well well well.... here i am. I am no longer on familiar soil. I have taken a giant faith leap and landed somewhere in the pacific on a beautiful island off of australia called NEW ZEALAND. The most challenging part thus far was the grueling 11 hour flight from LA. And.... the countless hours spent lollygagging in the airports during layovers. Fortunately... to counter the jetlag and the endless bordem i met some fellow ywamers on the journey. Together, my new compadres and i made great memories... drank small cups of overpriced coffee, waiting for a curly headed short girl named racheal that ended up being a tall boy named rapheal, witnessed signs bewaring us of giant snails, slept on many floors, became friends of many strangers- including miss florida 2002, harry from fiji... many more, ok, let's see... then we landed on middle earth. Took me a few days to sort through all of the feelings... but today, well, today is good. At first I felt a bit awkward... frustrating. I just wanted to sleep and keep to myself, which is next to impossible in this environment. After the restless dust finally settled, i found a bunch of very friendly people in the same boat i was in. We've become a family in this short time, and that is comforting. Although they will never take the place of those i left behind, these men and women- who come from all ends of the earth- hold a special place in my heart.

beforeyoublink.

2006-07-30T16:33:00.000-07:00

in the blink of your eye, so much can happen..
in the blink of your eye, we're gone.

each time your eyes shut is an opportunity
to erase the past and start anew,
seeing life with a completely different view.

in the blink of your eye, your future is written...
so before you blink look up.